Dear Dr. Cragglehold,
I heard from a friend of a friend that gin is the panty-remover. But then I poured it on some panties and they didn’t come off – instead I got smacked and screamed at and had to run away.
What am I doing wrong?
Clothed and Helpless
You have step one figured out – albeit rather clumsily – but you’ve forgotten the second part of the process. You see, gin alone isn’t enough to remove such a lacy garment. You need to provide a source of ignition such as a match or the glowing end of a cigar.
The reason gin is so effective at removing panties is that it burns with a dull blue flame. Whereas gasoline or moonshine may ignite brightly and alert the wearer to the combustion process, the flame produced by gin is subdued enough that it can easily be mistaken for the glow of a black light on the frilly fabric in a dark nightclub.
You’ve got me thinking though, Clothed, about why gin is reputed to remove such a specific article of clothing. Could the same process not be used to remove a parka, or a pair of moccasins? What about bellbottoms?
To prepare for my experiment I once again called upon that most trustworthy of control groups – the college student looking for extra credit. To my chagrin, however, the only volunteers that showed up to my lab were male, and those having been dared to do so by their peers. Apparently my experiments have developed a reputation for being somewhat unorthodox.
I’d had Peabody fetch our supply of garments an hour beforehand, but had made the mistake of allowing him access to my supply of gin before he left. It took some time to find him, but eventually I did. He had unearthed a wealth of clothing in the form of a ‘lost and found’ box, into which he’d climbed, drunk, and promptly fallen unconscious.
Nevertheless, my subjects were stripped and fitted with panties, several of which were stained with one bodily fluid or another. Peabody assured the complaining students that he’d correct the situation by sterilizing the garments, and immediately urinated on them.
At first I was upset with him, but after discovering he’d consumed our entire supply of gin I realized that his urine must doubtless be saturated with the combustible substance. So I lit a match, touched the burning end briefly to each waistline, and found myself impressed at the speed with which the underwear disappeared.
Gin works quite efficiently to remove panties, I noted on my clear-plastic clipboard. But what about other types of clothing?
Rich, the captain of the badminton team, was fitted with the retired costume of his team’s former mascot – Birdsley. As the bulbous, beaked head was placed on top, completing the outfit, Peabody climbed onto a chair and soaked it down.
Upon ignition, however, the costume did not disappear in seconds as expected. The yellow feathers burned long enough for the plastic frame beneath to catch fire, and soon a blackened, flaming Birdsley could be seen sprinting from my lab, into the gymnasium, finally becoming entangled in a badminton net.
There was a game in progress, and a quick-thinking water boy sprang into action, emptying a ten-gallon container of orange-drink over the heap of smouldering polymer athlete, effectively extinguishing the fire.
Fortunately, Peabody claimed responsibility for the whole fiasco, and spent the next three months in prison. While there he was able to strike a deal with the Warden of the facility, granting us access to the prison population for future experiments.
All in all, this was a ‘win.’
Furthering the horizon of human knowledge,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.