Category Archives: Philosophy

Addiction Cure

T. Totalled asks:-Satanic-Rituals

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

I think my brother is taking drugs.  I told him that drugs are against the law, but he doesn’t seem to care.  

I don’t want my brother to go to prison!  How do I get him off the crack pipe?!

Your friend,
T. Totalled

Dear T.,

It is wise of you to try to keep your brother out of prison.  Although many people believe prison is an excellent place to conquer addiction, the truth is that drug use is rampant in the prison system, and that he may come out more of an addict than he went in.

A good old-fashioned haunting is in order!

First, locate your brother’s stash of crack/cocaine.  Next, move it from one hiding place to the next every few hours.  This is a classic poltergeist move, and will evoke half-forgotten memories of scary movies he’s seen.  Although it will not stop him from hitting the pipe, it will lay a solid foundation from which to escalate the haunting.

Once he’s been sufficiently frustrated, find a small reed or a wide blade of grass and carefully feed it into the mouthpiece of his pipe.  Make sure it is set far enough inside that he won’t see it.  As he draws on the pipe a ghastly moan or a whistle, like that of wind through a dark forest will be produced, awakening images of spectral wolves and dark, wet corridors in his mind.  By this point, if you’ve done your job well, he should feel a cold shiver up and down his spine.

Your brother will begin to associate these creepy feelings with the act of smoking crack/cocaine, but as you know such emotions are hardly a match for the power of addiction.  You will have to magnify your haunting to the level of full-scale demonic possession if you want to save your brother.

You will need a rope, goat, a long, sharp knife, and a dark room lit with at least a thousand candles.  Oh, and ether!

The next time you mysteriously move his stash around take a moment to open the bag and introduce the ether.  Your brother will have to be unconscious for the next stage of this plan, and as you have observed crack/cocaine tends to keep the user up for days at a time.

The mixture of ether and crack/cocaine will cause your brother to go into convulsions the next time he partakes.  During this period he isn’t likely to form new memories, so he won’t remember you dragging him into your darkened room, stripping him, and hanging him by his wrists from the ceiling.

When he wakes up you should be standing in the shadows in a black, hooded robe like some kind of weird Wiccan.  Make up some stuff to say that sounds ‘ritualistic’ and, ideally, kind of satanic.  Mumble this garbage as he watches you in bewilderment.  Slaughter the goat, gut it, hold its heart in the flame of a candle or something, and finally butcher it.  This is all he will have to eat for the next six to eight weeks.

Feed him at midnight every day, but do it strangely.  A good trick is to chant and sear the meat in the heat of your candles.  Keep this up until all of the meat has been exhausted.  Finally, use some more of the ether to knock him unconscious.

Dress him carefully back up in his clothes, take him to his bedroom, tuck him in, and let him sleep it off.  Never ask him where he’s been – in fact, act as if you just saw him yesterday.  The beauty of this trick is that it’s so extreme, so frightening, that he would never suspect you of abusing him in this way.  He should have more questions than answers, and he should remain silent about his ordeal, lest you stare at him like he’s insane.

He’ll never look at a crack pipe the same way again.

Your accessory to kidnapping,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.


The Male Nipple

Concerned Non-Lactating XX asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,
Why do men have nipples?

Dear XX,

Have you never tried to draw a giant face on your torso with permanent marker?  Not only is a cartoon face difficult to render while looking upon it upside-down and at an oblique angle; the challenge is greater still because such an activity is infrequently performed while sober.  Without our nipples and belly-button as guides it would be nearly impossible to draw such a thing!

Because it doesn’t have the capacity to excrete nutrients the male nipple has often been considered a useless, albeit harmless appendage, like tonsils or the appendix.  However, this is a very utilitarian point of view.  Judgement as to whether or not the male nipple deserves to exist should not be based solely upon its incapacity to wean an infant.

No; the male nipple exists to remind us – through its eminent piercings and its suggestive femininity – of the aesthetic beauty and sublime symmetries that permeate our existence daily.  Whether it is being admired through a fishnet shirt at a gay pride parade or flattened against the window of an old-folks home, the male nipple stands as one of the most compelling symbols of the pointless decadence of human life.

If the nipple had a serviceable purpose its symbolic meaning, and therefore its significance, would be eclipsed.  Would you want to live in such a world, XX?  Would you?

Reminding you of the importance of art in this workaday world,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

Agent Orange

Orange Lover asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold

Are apples better than oranges? Personal preference question. Some of my collegues, (and myself) were having an irrational debate about it earlier this afternoon, and we’d like to have an outside opinion.


Orange Lover

Dear O. Lover,

You have, of course, answered your own ‘personal preference’ question by describing yourself as an ‘orange lover.’  Of course, no one subscribes to my column to hear what you have to think.

I shall begin by employing the most accurate of scientific methods: the List of Pros.  

Pros; Apples:
-Got us the heck out of Eden.
-Can be inserted into the mouth of a spit-roasted pig, thereby making use of irony to mock vegetarians.
-Are willing to lend their positive image and reputation to an evil corporation so that Earthly power and wealth can be more efficiently funnelled into the hands of those that would enslave us through technology.
– Have not yet achieved consciousness, making them easy to exploit.

Pros; Oranges:
-Have a thicker skin; a trait that makes possible a more extensive use of pesticides and herbicides, bolstering the struggling chemical industry.
-Were used as hobo bait during the Great Depression to draw once thriving families from their land to be used as low-wage labor, bolstering the wealth of struggling Californian orchard owners and driving the destructive industrialization of American agriculture.
-Contain citric acid, a substance used widely to make sugar-filled soft-drinks more palatable to humans, leading to increased consumption of soda and childhood obesity.
-Do not rhyme with any other English word, making it impossible to write effective songs about them.

So you see, Lover, there are an equal number of scientifically based ‘pros’ for each fruit.  However, of those listed for oranges many could just as easily have fallen into the ‘cons’ category if science wasn’t inherently an optimist.

Based on the evidence it seems reasonable to conclude that while, historically, apples have been somewhat mischievous where vegetarians and technology companies are concerned, far more damaging has been the role of the orange.  This seemingly innocuous citrus can be blamed for a mass exodus of the poor, consolidation and imposition of corrupt Capitalist interests, and genocide through the enabling of chemical farming, Coca-Cola, and a subsequent rise in national cancer rates.

So you see, my Lover, you were horribly, horribly wrong.  Morally at least, apples are far superior to oranges unless you happen to be a cold-hearted Capitalist murderer.

Your guide through the twists and turns of a principled diet,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

What is Random?

My asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

What is random?

Dear My,

The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘random’ as “Having no definite aim or purpose; not sent or guided in a particular direction; made, done, occurring, etc., without method or conscious choice; haphazard.”

This definition seemed somewhat confusing to me, so I brought the issue to one of my colleagues; a Dr. Oliver Buchanan, Sc.D. who studies mathematical probabilities.  He further explained that the concept of ‘random’ characteristically denotes unpredictability.  He then pronounced that there really is no such thing as ‘random’, as the Universe itself has a predictable outcome.  The outcome, of course, being uniform dispersion of matter and energy resulting from entropy.

To this I exclaimed: “But Doctor!  Statistically speaking, would not a more or less uniform dispersion of matter and energy itself be considered random?”

“In a sense, dear Doctor, you are correct!” He boisterously conceded.  “However, if a random distribution of matter and energy is the only possible outcome of every action in the Universe then that condition itself is entirely predictable, therefore eliminating the concept of randomness!”

I proceeded to answer his answer with a question.  “Is it not then a matter of perspective, Good Sir,” I shouted.  “As the outcome you describe is simultaneously both random and predictable, depending on whether one is focusing on the distribution of matter and energy, or on the pointed solution to some equation!?”

At that moment Esquire Peabody came crashing to the floor of Dr. Buchanan’s lab wearing only a balloon Brontosaurus on his head.  He was entirely coated in some kind of oil-based lubricant and all the hair had been removed from his body.

He quickly mumbled “Thanks for waking me up,” and hurried from the room.  Both Buchanan and I were speechless.

So, to answer your question My, ‘random’ is not a uniform distribution of mathematically predictable probabilities.  It is whatever lies beyond our foresight, and therefore our ability to expect any outcome at all.  It is a greasy sexual deviant sleeping in the ventilation system at your local University.

Your productive member of the research community,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

Man-Sized Baby

Constantly Rashed asks:

Do you think that Mr. Vanoni is correct about the impending doom on December 21st 2012 and if so, will the world’s supply of diapers go down in cost? Being a man sized baby, wearing diapers is my forte and also quite pricey so this whole Mayan thing might just be a big payoff.

Robots are the future.

Constantly Rashed.

Dear Constance,

As you are a man sized baby I find it interesting that you can type in English so coherently!  Such a talent would seem far more suited to, say, a man with the body of a baby but the size of a man.  Which would then beg the question of how one would type with such swollen, stubby little fingers.  I would very much like to meet you.

Seeing as you’re in enough control of your faculties to send coherent emails it seems illogical to me that you have yet to master the art of controlling your bowels!  Or are the diapers for something else?  Having the shape of an infant your head must be inordinately bulbous, which I would assume causes you to spend a great deal of your time laying on your back.  Do you wear the diapers purely for convenience?  Does your infantile body handicap you with such reduced mobility as to make it preferable to defecate into a diaper?  Who changes you?  If you’re a man-sized baby are your parents giants?

But enough with my questions.  It is my duty to answer yours.  I don’t know this ‘Mr. Vanoni’ of who you speak, but your reference to the Mayan civilization and the impending doom it foretold leads me to believe that your concern is with the apocalypse.

There are a lot of people writing books and articles on this subject.  Many of them claim science is the basis for their interpretations, but few if any of them are actually scientists.  The Mayan glyphs – the ‘writings’ we have to thank for the discovery of the Mayan calendar – have only very recently been deciphered.  There are really only a handful of actual ‘scientists’ that can read the Mayan texts, and as a result much of our civilization is easily intrigued by the ‘mystery’ of a lost society.

Among other devices, the Mayan calendar expressed time in ‘ages’.  The last of these ages ends sometime this year.  This is the ‘evidence’ of the Mayan apocalyptic ‘prophecy’.  So consider the evidence for yourself; does the Mayan calendar end here because time does, or because they figured 2012 was far enough in the future they wouldn’t have to bother carving more dates in stone any time soon?  Either way, it will be a wonderful excuse to have the neighbours over for canape.

If, however, it really is time that ends we’ll all need fresh diapers.  I expect the price of diapers would actually increase at that point, based on increased demand.

Please, Constance, allow me to ask you one more question, having answered yours.  As you possess the intelligence of a full grown man, why have you not constructed yourself a system of vacuum hoses to transport your faeces directly to the toilet from any room in the house?  Or perhaps a robotically enhanced super-suit to allow you the mobility of a regular human being?  Are you a super-villain?

Wishing I could perform experiments on a man-sized baby,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

Philanderous Philosophy

Tosui asks:

I have been watching your Philosophy’s on your blog.  I’ve seen people philosophizing and it seems to attract or capture people’s attention if even for a moment.  All of which is great and good and very interesting.

Is it worth while for the common average man to attempt to join in and do his own philosophizing in order to “join the club”, get attention from others and especially cute girls?

I mean it seams to work for you and other people of your calibre or echelon.  Would it work for some dude drinking beer after cutting down a tree making firewood?  Would he attract others and get laid more?  Do you get laid more?

Dear Tosui,

There is nothing wrong with a bit of philanderous philosophizing.  In fact, for those of us with crazy hair it is almost a necessary part of attracting others!  And yes, it is most certainly capable of assisting a drunken forester in his quest for love, just as it helps frat boys manipulate impressionable girls.  Case in point: Peabody often turns up at my door drunk and wearing nothing but an axe and a smile.

However, the impression I get from your question is that you would like to philosophize in a desperate attempt to attract attention.  To this end I would advise that there are far more reliable methods.

For example, you could prey upon the virtuous and attract attention by lighting your flame-proof jacket on fire in a crowded public place.  Or you could gain the focus of law-enforcement officers by strapping carrot sticks around your chest and walking through a subway station holding your cell phone like it’s a detonator.  Both will result in a great deal of conversation, which is a wonderful medium by which to get to know new people.

I have no idea if I get laid more.  I know Esquire Peabody does, but he spends far more time just having sex than he does thinking or talking.  Which I suppose may help answer your question.  You see, my motivation has always been to acquire scientific knowledge for the betterment of humankind.  So I spend my time digging into the deepest recesses of human experiences and relaying those experiences to you.  Esq. Peabody’s motivation has always been to appease the demons of perversion within his soul that stem from his respect for women {see:}.  And so he spends his time having sex.

So to answer your question, I suppose if you want to explore the extremities of human experience you should philosophize.  But if what you really want is to get laid more you should just try having more sex.

Philandering for Science,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

Opposite Day

Mark asks:

Dr. Cragglehold,
Does opposite day really exist? how can you tell when it’s opposite day and what can I do to use it to my advantage?

Dear Mark,

If opposite day does exist – and I can state most conclusively that it does – you have experienced it constantly.  For you see, everything on opposite day is exactly opposite it’s forward counterpart, including time itself.  Because of this the beginning of opposite day is actually the end, and any memories you may have of the day (or ‘unday’) itself are inevitably ‘unremembered’

Science, however, tells us that this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Remembering, of course, that on opposite day ninety percent of an iceberg is above the water.  Of course, if everything truly is backward then water must be lighter than air, putting the ocean where the sky is.  But then ninety percent of the iceberg would remain in the water – and that’s not really backward.  But then wouldn’t the Earth be lighter than both the sky and the ocean?  Because then it would be above both of those things and if you turned upside down everything would look like it does on ‘normal day’, making all of this just a matter of perspective.  Of course on opposite day you’d just wake up inverted anyway.  Mirrors would show you how cameras see you – only in colour negative – but your body symmetry would be backward as well so you’d look how you normally do.  And you’d be used to seeing colour as it’s negative.

Besides, how do we know that any of us interpret the same colour spectrum in the first place?  I mean, our moms all pointed at something and said “The liquor bottle is green.”  And whatever colour we saw we just called green forever.  There’s no way to tell that if I borrowed your eyes for half an hour if they’d see the same colour green as I’m used to.

So I don’t know.  I guess opposite day exists.  But there is absolutely no way to determine whether today is opposite day or if tomorrow is because if everything were truly opposite we’d see things exactly as we do now.  Seriously.  You can try to fake it by walking backward but on real ‘opposite day’ you’d be backward yourself so you’d look like you were walking forward.  And without a discernible difference there can be no discernible advantage.

Wow, I’m ready for bed,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.