Dear Dr. Cragglehold,
I think my brother is taking drugs. I told him that drugs are against the law, but he doesn’t seem to care.
I don’t want my brother to go to prison! How do I get him off the crack pipe?!
It is wise of you to try to keep your brother out of prison. Although many people believe prison is an excellent place to conquer addiction, the truth is that drug use is rampant in the prison system, and that he may come out more of an addict than he went in.
A good old-fashioned haunting is in order!
First, locate your brother’s stash of crack/cocaine. Next, move it from one hiding place to the next every few hours. This is a classic poltergeist move, and will evoke half-forgotten memories of scary movies he’s seen. Although it will not stop him from hitting the pipe, it will lay a solid foundation from which to escalate the haunting.
Once he’s been sufficiently frustrated, find a small reed or a wide blade of grass and carefully feed it into the mouthpiece of his pipe. Make sure it is set far enough inside that he won’t see it. As he draws on the pipe a ghastly moan or a whistle, like that of wind through a dark forest will be produced, awakening images of spectral wolves and dark, wet corridors in his mind. By this point, if you’ve done your job well, he should feel a cold shiver up and down his spine.
Your brother will begin to associate these creepy feelings with the act of smoking crack/cocaine, but as you know such emotions are hardly a match for the power of addiction. You will have to magnify your haunting to the level of full-scale demonic possession if you want to save your brother.
You will need a rope, goat, a long, sharp knife, and a dark room lit with at least a thousand candles. Oh, and ether!
The next time you mysteriously move his stash around take a moment to open the bag and introduce the ether. Your brother will have to be unconscious for the next stage of this plan, and as you have observed crack/cocaine tends to keep the user up for days at a time.
The mixture of ether and crack/cocaine will cause your brother to go into convulsions the next time he partakes. During this period he isn’t likely to form new memories, so he won’t remember you dragging him into your darkened room, stripping him, and hanging him by his wrists from the ceiling.
When he wakes up you should be standing in the shadows in a black, hooded robe like some kind of weird Wiccan. Make up some stuff to say that sounds ‘ritualistic’ and, ideally, kind of satanic. Mumble this garbage as he watches you in bewilderment. Slaughter the goat, gut it, hold its heart in the flame of a candle or something, and finally butcher it. This is all he will have to eat for the next six to eight weeks.
Feed him at midnight every day, but do it strangely. A good trick is to chant and sear the meat in the heat of your candles. Keep this up until all of the meat has been exhausted. Finally, use some more of the ether to knock him unconscious.
Dress him carefully back up in his clothes, take him to his bedroom, tuck him in, and let him sleep it off. Never ask him where he’s been – in fact, act as if you just saw him yesterday. The beauty of this trick is that it’s so extreme, so frightening, that he would never suspect you of abusing him in this way. He should have more questions than answers, and he should remain silent about his ordeal, lest you stare at him like he’s insane.
He’ll never look at a crack pipe the same way again.
Your accessory to kidnapping,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.