Tag Archives: change

The Church of Peabody

Steve asks:ur a nun

Dear Doctor Cragglehold,

I am seeking change in order to achieve personal success and well being.  I’m hoping to become lost without your advice, as right now I am simply lost.  If you can’t help me, then god help me.

Are there any religious groups that you can recommend?

Sincerely,

Steve

Dear Stevie,

The only sure-fire way to become lost without my advice is to disregard my advice, or not to listen to it in the first place.  Therefore, my advice to you is to not listen to my advice.  And since my advice is to ignore my advice you’re going to wind up taking it anyway.

Whew, that came dangerously close to becoming a paradox!  Had we wound up in such a paradox I most certainly wouldn’t have been able to help you, and that would have been even more catastrophic, since God has been curiously silent since people stopped taking the Old Testament seriously.

Of course there are religious groups I can recommend!  Cults come in all shapes and sizes, and many are tailor-made to appeal to select individuals with specific tastes.  Some key examples follow:

If you’re really into anger and hate, why not try out the Westboro Baptist Church!  This high-profile cult does away with pesky principles like ‘love your neighbour’ and ‘don’t picket funerals for high-school shooting victims’.  They replace love with hate, spiritual practice with more hate, and interpret the Bible as a big anti-gay pamphlet.  I know what you’re wondering: where does all the love go then?  Well, Stevie, it goes to the big American media companies!  News anchors just love these guys!

Or, if you don’t like beating around the bush, you could cut straight to the heart of evil and worship the Almighty Dollar!  Disciples of the Dollar reward themselves for their devotion by filling their houses with shiny, expensive things.  In return, the Dollar replaces their ability to reason with the ability to ‘justify’ pretty much anything.  The most devoted disciples of the Dollar are some of the most infamous people in the world and are responsible for mass genocides, instances of cruelty that resemble hell on earth, and the ultimate destruction of our very planet!  How do these disciples sleep at night?  Surrounded by bear skin rugs, of course!

The third – and best – recommendation I can make is the Church of Peabody.  Founded in 2011, followers of Peabody gather weekly to perform humiliating acts of sexual brutality on their leader: Esquire Peabody.  Just like Jesus himself, Peabody repeatedly makes a great personal sacrifice for the redemption of the common man – although in an adult setting.  The Church of Peabody is perfect for those that agree with Christian principles but desire a much more entertaining and perverted version of the Bible.

Feel free to try all three!  Life’s for living, Stevie!

Your Spiritual Guidance Counselor,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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The Science of Enlightenment

Myles Mom asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

Will my son ever pay me rent again?  He was once employed and mentored by a very wise man but alas he has left on a journey … to become a great scholar.  And now my son is left without a job and the will to go on.  Please help me so that I can help him to be inspired once again!  Please… I need the money…. his little brother is starving…. we need food!!!!

P.S. Great website…. You rock!

Sincerely
Myles Mom

Dear Myles’ Mom,

Change is a difficult thing sometimes, isn’t it?  But as you’ve stated, your son has left on a great journey of discovery no doubt spurred by the patient, perhaps spiritual instruction of this ‘wise man’.  As you’ve already witnessed he will, of course, cast off worldly material matters and cast himself into the depths of poverty in pursuit of this intangible goal many call enlightenment, but for some reason you have deemed ‘scholarship’.

What you are experiencing are the inescapable consequences of his selfless detachment.  It is your job to make him feel guilty for what he is doing; without your suffering – and incidentally, that of his little brother – there can be no substantial spiritual growth for your son.  The yin and yang must be split apart to see what lies between.

If you wish for your son to succeed on his quest as any good mother would, I would advise you to take up a scientific perspective in order to help him be as successful as possible on his journey.

As we have seen, Myles must sacrifice worldly possessions and attachments to continue down his path toward enlightenment.  From that information we can infer that ‘attachments’ and ‘level of enlightenment’ have an inversely-proportional relationship.  The further his ‘attachments’ degrade the higher his ‘level of enlightenment’ will be.  So if you love your son and wish for him to succeed, as I suspect you do, the best thing you can do for him is allow yourself and your other son to starve to death.  Such a complete severance of attachment and ultimate sacrifice – according to the age-old scientific method – will propel him to a state of perfect enlightenment.  That is, unless he’s got a girlfriend left over.  You’ll have to deal with her too.

Your Scientific Guru,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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