Tag Archives: cruelty

The Church of Peabody

Steve asks:ur a nun

Dear Doctor Cragglehold,

I am seeking change in order to achieve personal success and well being.  I’m hoping to become lost without your advice, as right now I am simply lost.  If you can’t help me, then god help me.

Are there any religious groups that you can recommend?



Dear Stevie,

The only sure-fire way to become lost without my advice is to disregard my advice, or not to listen to it in the first place.  Therefore, my advice to you is to not listen to my advice.  And since my advice is to ignore my advice you’re going to wind up taking it anyway.

Whew, that came dangerously close to becoming a paradox!  Had we wound up in such a paradox I most certainly wouldn’t have been able to help you, and that would have been even more catastrophic, since God has been curiously silent since people stopped taking the Old Testament seriously.

Of course there are religious groups I can recommend!  Cults come in all shapes and sizes, and many are tailor-made to appeal to select individuals with specific tastes.  Some key examples follow:

If you’re really into anger and hate, why not try out the Westboro Baptist Church!  This high-profile cult does away with pesky principles like ‘love your neighbour’ and ‘don’t picket funerals for high-school shooting victims’.  They replace love with hate, spiritual practice with more hate, and interpret the Bible as a big anti-gay pamphlet.  I know what you’re wondering: where does all the love go then?  Well, Stevie, it goes to the big American media companies!  News anchors just love these guys!

Or, if you don’t like beating around the bush, you could cut straight to the heart of evil and worship the Almighty Dollar!  Disciples of the Dollar reward themselves for their devotion by filling their houses with shiny, expensive things.  In return, the Dollar replaces their ability to reason with the ability to ‘justify’ pretty much anything.  The most devoted disciples of the Dollar are some of the most infamous people in the world and are responsible for mass genocides, instances of cruelty that resemble hell on earth, and the ultimate destruction of our very planet!  How do these disciples sleep at night?  Surrounded by bear skin rugs, of course!

The third – and best – recommendation I can make is the Church of Peabody.  Founded in 2011, followers of Peabody gather weekly to perform humiliating acts of sexual brutality on their leader: Esquire Peabody.  Just like Jesus himself, Peabody repeatedly makes a great personal sacrifice for the redemption of the common man – although in an adult setting.  The Church of Peabody is perfect for those that agree with Christian principles but desire a much more entertaining and perverted version of the Bible.

Feel free to try all three!  Life’s for living, Stevie!

Your Spiritual Guidance Counselor,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.


The Language Barrier

Karleen C. asks:

Dear Wonderful Cragglehold,

Can you think of a question for me?

Karleen Mystery C.

Dear Karleen,

What an enigmatic question!  You’ve effectively left me wondering whether you’d prefer I think of a question for you to ask me, or if you’d like me to ask you something.

If you’re wondering what kind of question to ask me, then anything will do.  Everything from “How does a nicotine patch really work?” to “How do they convince all the Paramedics to be so cruel?” is within my scope of knowledge.

However, if you’d like me to ask you a question things get a bit stickier.  The best kind of question is one that draws upon one’s knowledge of the subject to form a more intimate connection between asker and askee.

So what do I know about you?  Well, you seem to think I’m wonderful.  That tells me you’re intelligent enough to appreciate the finer points of science, and that you approach such things with a childlike sense of curiosity.  And, since your middle name is Mystery, I can assume your parents were avid players of the parlour game ‘Clue’.

The third characteristic I can draw from the evidence, and this one is admittedly a vaguer extrapolation, is that you tend to shy away from generalities drawn from your observations of the world.  This is a wonderful characteristic, and one that must surely inject balance into the habits passed on to you by your Clue playing parents.

So what shall I ask a new acquaintance with such a broad perspective of reality without offending her by categorizing reality in order to simply communicate my motives?  That’s simple…

Here’s my question:  ‘How do you justify the use of language in Philosophy when language itself is the border between our minds and Truth?’

I’ve had way too much caffeine,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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