Dear Doctor Cragglehold,
I am seeking change in order to achieve personal success and well being. I’m hoping to become lost without your advice, as right now I am simply lost. If you can’t help me, then god help me.
Are there any religious groups that you can recommend?
The only sure-fire way to become lost without my advice is to disregard my advice, or not to listen to it in the first place. Therefore, my advice to you is to not listen to my advice. And since my advice is to ignore my advice you’re going to wind up taking it anyway.
Whew, that came dangerously close to becoming a paradox! Had we wound up in such a paradox I most certainly wouldn’t have been able to help you, and that would have been even more catastrophic, since God has been curiously silent since people stopped taking the Old Testament seriously.
Of course there are religious groups I can recommend! Cults come in all shapes and sizes, and many are tailor-made to appeal to select individuals with specific tastes. Some key examples follow:
If you’re really into anger and hate, why not try out the Westboro Baptist Church! This high-profile cult does away with pesky principles like ‘love your neighbour’ and ‘don’t picket funerals for high-school shooting victims’. They replace love with hate, spiritual practice with more hate, and interpret the Bible as a big anti-gay pamphlet. I know what you’re wondering: where does all the love go then? Well, Stevie, it goes to the big American media companies! News anchors just love these guys!
Or, if you don’t like beating around the bush, you could cut straight to the heart of evil and worship the Almighty Dollar! Disciples of the Dollar reward themselves for their devotion by filling their houses with shiny, expensive things. In return, the Dollar replaces their ability to reason with the ability to ‘justify’ pretty much anything. The most devoted disciples of the Dollar are some of the most infamous people in the world and are responsible for mass genocides, instances of cruelty that resemble hell on earth, and the ultimate destruction of our very planet! How do these disciples sleep at night? Surrounded by bear skin rugs, of course!
The third – and best – recommendation I can make is the Church of Peabody. Founded in 2011, followers of Peabody gather weekly to perform humiliating acts of sexual brutality on their leader: Esquire Peabody. Just like Jesus himself, Peabody repeatedly makes a great personal sacrifice for the redemption of the common man – although in an adult setting. The Church of Peabody is perfect for those that agree with Christian principles but desire a much more entertaining and perverted version of the Bible.
Feel free to try all three! Life’s for living, Stevie!
Your Spiritual Guidance Counselor,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.