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Stanley Cup Win

Hockey Nut asks:Hockey cup

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

I love hockey.  In particular, I love my local hockey team, the Edmonton Oilers, but they are sucking a lot right now.  I want to do something to help them win, but I don’t know what to do!

What can I do as an avid fan to make sure they start winning?

Hockey Nut

Dear Nutcase,

Kidnap their wives and children.

You see, the reward system in hockey is broken, and that’s why your team continues to lose.  For decades professional hockey clubs have relied on awarding their players ridiculous amounts of money to motivate them, but as you can clearly see that system is not working.  Instead of motivating them, their enormous paycheques serve only to inflate their egos and make them feel like they’ve ‘arrived.’

However, logic dictates that if a human being feels like they are successful they will cease to strive to achieve their goals.  They become complacent, lazy, and a sense of entitlement pervades everything they do.  When they lose a game they blame it on the other players (who all feel the same way), on their coaching, or on the other team.

But no one works harder than someone who is about to lose everything.  You need to humble them, to make them remember how fragile their lives are, and how quickly it can all disappear if they don’t fight tooth-and-nail.

Gather a posse of your beer-swilling, riot-inducing hockey peers and break into their houses the night before a game.  Steal their families away in nylon-rope bound burlap sacks and take them in your practical SUV’s to a warehouse or a dungeon somewhere (but don’t tell me where that is because I do not wish to become an accessory to something like this again).  Leave a ransom note on their wives’ pillows.  The vaguer the better.  In fact, just write one word: ‘WIN.’

I guarantee your hockey-heroes will play the best game of their lives.  And the longer you keep it up, the better they will play.  Hold on to your hostages throughout the season and occasionally send the players pictures of them to prove that they are alive.  If they falter on the ice, send them a finger or a toe.  There should be enough toes to last an entire season.

You’ll have a Stanley Cup win in no time.

In no way affiliated with your actions to come,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.