Agent Orange

Orange Lover asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold

Are apples better than oranges? Personal preference question. Some of my collegues, (and myself) were having an irrational debate about it earlier this afternoon, and we’d like to have an outside opinion.

Sincerely,
Orange Lover

Dear O. Lover,

You have, of course, answered your own ‘personal preference’ question by describing yourself as an ‘orange lover.’  Of course, no one subscribes to my column to hear what you have to think.

I shall begin by employing the most accurate of scientific methods: the List of Pros.  

Pros; Apples:
-Got us the heck out of Eden.
-Can be inserted into the mouth of a spit-roasted pig, thereby making use of irony to mock vegetarians.
-Are willing to lend their positive image and reputation to an evil corporation so that Earthly power and wealth can be more efficiently funnelled into the hands of those that would enslave us through technology.
– Have not yet achieved consciousness, making them easy to exploit.

Pros; Oranges:
-Have a thicker skin; a trait that makes possible a more extensive use of pesticides and herbicides, bolstering the struggling chemical industry.
-Were used as hobo bait during the Great Depression to draw once thriving families from their land to be used as low-wage labor, bolstering the wealth of struggling Californian orchard owners and driving the destructive industrialization of American agriculture.
-Contain citric acid, a substance used widely to make sugar-filled soft-drinks more palatable to humans, leading to increased consumption of soda and childhood obesity.
-Do not rhyme with any other English word, making it impossible to write effective songs about them.

So you see, Lover, there are an equal number of scientifically based ‘pros’ for each fruit.  However, of those listed for oranges many could just as easily have fallen into the ‘cons’ category if science wasn’t inherently an optimist.

Based on the evidence it seems reasonable to conclude that while, historically, apples have been somewhat mischievous where vegetarians and technology companies are concerned, far more damaging has been the role of the orange.  This seemingly innocuous citrus can be blamed for a mass exodus of the poor, consolidation and imposition of corrupt Capitalist interests, and genocide through the enabling of chemical farming, Coca-Cola, and a subsequent rise in national cancer rates.

So you see, my Lover, you were horribly, horribly wrong.  Morally at least, apples are far superior to oranges unless you happen to be a cold-hearted Capitalist murderer.

Your guide through the twists and turns of a principled diet,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.