Tag Archives: grammar

The Gun Crisis

Redhedjim asks:dildogun

How do we solve the gun crisis in The United States? How should one respond to an American who says “they goin take our guns?”

Inquisitively,
Redhedjim

Dear Redhedjim,

To answer your second question, Esquire Peabody and I descended to the lower reaches of the United States – namely to a city called Baton Rouge in the state of Louisiana.  Resisting the urge to ask the locals why they named their little town after a bloody stick we simply nodded at folks we passed on the street.

Honestly, I thought we would have had to wait a lot longer to hear someone ask us your ‘question,’ but, thankfully, it seemed to be the first thing out of everyone’s mouth with a minimum of prompting.

Nodding and smiling at a barber smoking in front of his shop caused him to ask in panic: “They goin’ take our guns?”  Instead of answering his question I corrected his grammar, at which point he produced a shotgun from within his pant-leg and chased us down the street yelling “Whatchoo think yuh smart huh?!  Y’all hoity-toity wit yer edjoo-kashin!”  Needless to say, correcting the grammar of such a sentence is an incorrect response.  I immediately crossed that one off my clear plastic clipboard.

The second individual we encountered was a young girl still in grade-school.  Interestingly, she posed the question to us without being prompted.
“They goin’ take our guns?” she asked.
“Maybe,” Peabody responded, adding: “that’s a beautiful skirt.”
She became upset at the suggested possibility of losing her guns and immediately began screaming swear words at the top of her lungs.  In a panic I told her that Peabody didn’t mean it, and that he’d been trying to make a joke, but due to her extremely low level of education she was unable to grasp the concept of humour.  We continued on.

Frustrated, we decided to purchase a gun ourselves, hoping to better emulate the mindset presented by this strange culture.  We bought something called a ‘.38 Special’ from a man that didn’t seem to speak any intelligible language at all and resumed our experiment.

Outside the gun store we again encountered our barber.  Our first instinct was to flee, however he seemed already to have forgotten who we were, instead asking us “They goin’ take our guns?” again.  In response, Peabody pulled back the hammer of our pistol and said “Ain’t not goin’ be takin’ ma fire-stick wit-out gettin’ no crack-bang up in they’s face!  I’m’a secon’ amendment they’s fool idears!”

Apparently, that was the correct answer.  Our barber friend started whooping and firing his shotgun into the air in celebration.

So, in answer to your second question, the best way to respond to an American that asks: “They goin’ take our guns?” is “They won’t be taking my gun without getting shot in their faces,” followed by something about the Second Amendment.

In answer to your first question, how do we solve the gun crisis in the United States, my advice would be to abolish censorship.  You see, whether or not people have firearms at their disposal they will be less likely to kill each other if they are not sexually frustrated.  Combining the pornographic and Hollywood film industries would remove the American sexual taboo phenomenon, resulting in fewer sexually frustrated individuals with firearms.

Alternatively, masturbatory toys could be included with the purchase of every box of ammunition.  A sexy state is a happy state.  A happy state makes a happy home.  A happy home is a safe home.  Or is that the other way around?

Will travel for trivial answers,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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The Reality of Modern Medicine

Emma asks:

Dear Doctor that Holds the Craggle,

I am a nursing student, and I don’t know if you know or not (seeing as you are a doctor not a nurse) but us nursing students bust our nuts studying and doing homework… So after 3 years of  doing this.. I wonder:
If I were to watch Grey’s Anatomy all day… could that count as studying for my nursing lab final…?
This would make my life a whole better, and more interesting, and happier.

Your Truly,
Emma, your the Nurse-In-Training

P.S. please don’t judge my grammar and punctuation.. because I know you like to do that
Ok, Thank you.

Dear Emma,

What a wonderful hypothesis!  As most of us are well aware, direct apprehension of an experience is in every case far superior to second-hand experience derived from linguistic symbols.  So, in essence, what you are asking is if careful observation of direct experience is comparable in quality to experience itself.

No doubt you are exclaiming: “but Doctor!  Grey’s Anatomy is a work of fiction!  How can we equate this fantasy with the life-and-death reality of modern medicine?!”

Another excellent question.  We are delving deeper into the secret underbelly of Science, and subsequently into the nature of Understanding itself.  You see, thousands of years ago some human being gazing upon the substance of a mountain found it necessary to subdivide it’s elements.  He named one of those elements ‘rock’.  But before that moment individual rocks did not exist!  The very fabric of our perception of the Universe – the inspiration of Science itself – is based on a work of fiction bandying about as it claims to be reality!

So as long as the medical techniques shown in Grey’s Anatomy fall in line with those in current practice, watching the show should serve as a sufficiently informative substitute for direct experience.  And, after three years in Nursing school, I’d say it’s about time you pursue something resembling that experience.

Besides, if practice of your trade one day results in someone’s death you’ll have someone else to blame.

Viva la Western Medicine!
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.


Cancer Phone

Steve French asks:

Dr Cragglehold, i got two questions. a double header…ready?

1. is it possible that because of all the excessive cell phone usage as well as other crap goin on, are we gonna have extremely high rates of cancer in the future? is everybody gonna have tumors??

2. why do you care so much about other people’s spelling? are you trying to spread proper english? or are you jus bein a smartass? (making for good reading)

Dearest Steve French,
Esquire Peabody and I will need to do some research for your first question, so I’ll answer the latter question first.

I relish people’s spelling and grammar misteakes in fact they make fur funnior ideas. I believe you answered that part of the question your-n-self. I do take people’s questions quite seriously, and therefore literally. When you ask me ‘cell phone usage as well as other crap goin on’ I assume you are referring to the little documented correlation between cell phone usage and excrement.

For our experiment, Esquire Peabody and I used a control group of eight yuppie soccer moms using only cellular phones, and a variable group of eight yuppie soccer moms using cell phones while covered in shit. Not suprisingly, the variable group immediately had difficulty speaking into the cell phones as the excrement was dripping into their mouths. Peabody observed them as they became agitated and ceased using thier phones in order to wipe their faces off.
The control group, however, continued conversing candidly well into the night, and by morning no one had cancer despite our discovery that the excrement we were using came from Esquire Peabody; and that Esquire Peabody has colon cancer.
It would seem, Drew, that the crap you have asked about draws no correlation between cancer and cellular phone usage. You have nothing to worry about. In fact, delighted by this knowledge, Esquire Peabody has asked for the day off tomorrow so that he may attend a party with some German friends of his. I believe the theme of the gathering is connected with excrement in some way.

Your friend,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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