Tag Archives: gun crisis

The Gun Crisis

Redhedjim asks:dildogun

How do we solve the gun crisis in The United States? How should one respond to an American who says “they goin take our guns?”

Inquisitively,
Redhedjim

Dear Redhedjim,

To answer your second question, Esquire Peabody and I descended to the lower reaches of the United States – namely to a city called Baton Rouge in the state of Louisiana.  Resisting the urge to ask the locals why they named their little town after a bloody stick we simply nodded at folks we passed on the street.

Honestly, I thought we would have had to wait a lot longer to hear someone ask us your ‘question,’ but, thankfully, it seemed to be the first thing out of everyone’s mouth with a minimum of prompting.

Nodding and smiling at a barber smoking in front of his shop caused him to ask in panic: “They goin’ take our guns?”  Instead of answering his question I corrected his grammar, at which point he produced a shotgun from within his pant-leg and chased us down the street yelling “Whatchoo think yuh smart huh?!  Y’all hoity-toity wit yer edjoo-kashin!”  Needless to say, correcting the grammar of such a sentence is an incorrect response.  I immediately crossed that one off my clear plastic clipboard.

The second individual we encountered was a young girl still in grade-school.  Interestingly, she posed the question to us without being prompted.
“They goin’ take our guns?” she asked.
“Maybe,” Peabody responded, adding: “that’s a beautiful skirt.”
She became upset at the suggested possibility of losing her guns and immediately began screaming swear words at the top of her lungs.  In a panic I told her that Peabody didn’t mean it, and that he’d been trying to make a joke, but due to her extremely low level of education she was unable to grasp the concept of humour.  We continued on.

Frustrated, we decided to purchase a gun ourselves, hoping to better emulate the mindset presented by this strange culture.  We bought something called a ‘.38 Special’ from a man that didn’t seem to speak any intelligible language at all and resumed our experiment.

Outside the gun store we again encountered our barber.  Our first instinct was to flee, however he seemed already to have forgotten who we were, instead asking us “They goin’ take our guns?” again.  In response, Peabody pulled back the hammer of our pistol and said “Ain’t not goin’ be takin’ ma fire-stick wit-out gettin’ no crack-bang up in they’s face!  I’m’a secon’ amendment they’s fool idears!”

Apparently, that was the correct answer.  Our barber friend started whooping and firing his shotgun into the air in celebration.

So, in answer to your second question, the best way to respond to an American that asks: “They goin’ take our guns?” is “They won’t be taking my gun without getting shot in their faces,” followed by something about the Second Amendment.

In answer to your first question, how do we solve the gun crisis in the United States, my advice would be to abolish censorship.  You see, whether or not people have firearms at their disposal they will be less likely to kill each other if they are not sexually frustrated.  Combining the pornographic and Hollywood film industries would remove the American sexual taboo phenomenon, resulting in fewer sexually frustrated individuals with firearms.

Alternatively, masturbatory toys could be included with the purchase of every box of ammunition.  A sexy state is a happy state.  A happy state makes a happy home.  A happy home is a safe home.  Or is that the other way around?

Will travel for trivial answers,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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