Tag Archives: jesus

The Church of Peabody

Steve asks:ur a nun

Dear Doctor Cragglehold,

I am seeking change in order to achieve personal success and well being.  I’m hoping to become lost without your advice, as right now I am simply lost.  If you can’t help me, then god help me.

Are there any religious groups that you can recommend?



Dear Stevie,

The only sure-fire way to become lost without my advice is to disregard my advice, or not to listen to it in the first place.  Therefore, my advice to you is to not listen to my advice.  And since my advice is to ignore my advice you’re going to wind up taking it anyway.

Whew, that came dangerously close to becoming a paradox!  Had we wound up in such a paradox I most certainly wouldn’t have been able to help you, and that would have been even more catastrophic, since God has been curiously silent since people stopped taking the Old Testament seriously.

Of course there are religious groups I can recommend!  Cults come in all shapes and sizes, and many are tailor-made to appeal to select individuals with specific tastes.  Some key examples follow:

If you’re really into anger and hate, why not try out the Westboro Baptist Church!  This high-profile cult does away with pesky principles like ‘love your neighbour’ and ‘don’t picket funerals for high-school shooting victims’.  They replace love with hate, spiritual practice with more hate, and interpret the Bible as a big anti-gay pamphlet.  I know what you’re wondering: where does all the love go then?  Well, Stevie, it goes to the big American media companies!  News anchors just love these guys!

Or, if you don’t like beating around the bush, you could cut straight to the heart of evil and worship the Almighty Dollar!  Disciples of the Dollar reward themselves for their devotion by filling their houses with shiny, expensive things.  In return, the Dollar replaces their ability to reason with the ability to ‘justify’ pretty much anything.  The most devoted disciples of the Dollar are some of the most infamous people in the world and are responsible for mass genocides, instances of cruelty that resemble hell on earth, and the ultimate destruction of our very planet!  How do these disciples sleep at night?  Surrounded by bear skin rugs, of course!

The third – and best – recommendation I can make is the Church of Peabody.  Founded in 2011, followers of Peabody gather weekly to perform humiliating acts of sexual brutality on their leader: Esquire Peabody.  Just like Jesus himself, Peabody repeatedly makes a great personal sacrifice for the redemption of the common man – although in an adult setting.  The Church of Peabody is perfect for those that agree with Christian principles but desire a much more entertaining and perverted version of the Bible.

Feel free to try all three!  Life’s for living, Stevie!

Your Spiritual Guidance Counselor,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.


Mindless Voodoo Beaver Zombies

Charles asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

Recently i’ve been confronted with a powerful notion to rid this planet of every walmart on the planet every time I have the misfortune of having to pass by one.  I have tried confronting this trigger by climatizing myself to such a wonderous, and beneficial……………….monstrosity #@$%#@! by entering a walmart store thinking that I could distract myself of these terrible thoughts with what I thought would be the sweet sounds of justin beaver that walmart adamently encourages people to buy.  My feelings for walmart have stayed the same, and worse, I can hardly remember who justin beaver is.  Apparently another 1% of the worlds population suffers a similar reaction when seeing a walmart.  Can you please tell me what is wrong with us?  Is there a cure?



Dear Charles,

There is a perfectly logical explanation for your situation.  There is nothing wrong with you or the sixty-seven million others affected by this phenomenon.

You see, years before Walmart was introduced to North America there was another massive conglomerate funnelling consumer dollars to an autocratic corporate ruler.  This company’s name was ‘Just Beavers’.  Just Beavers hailed from America’s pre-industrial era when magic, ghosts, fairies, and Jesus were still prevalent, and still a force to be reckoned with in commerce.

Just Beavers used the blackest of black magic to convince consumers that all they needed to eat, sleep, live, and dress in were beavers.  There was really little else the company could get their hands on back then due to the lack of industrialization.  So they hired witch doctors and installed them in every village across the continent.  These witch doctors chanted their black incantations twenty-four hours a day, the result of which was a continent-wide belief that beavers were all one needed for anything – similar to the present-day scenario with duct-tape.

After the Industrial Revolution the nations of the world got together to reform commerce.  Most of it went fairly smoothly, but Just Beavers refused to modernize.  A plan was put together to oust this dinosaur.  ‘Just Walls’, the European counterpart of Just Beavers, was charged with the task of assassinating the witch doctors and erasing the minds of the beaver-hungry public.

It was a dirty, bloody war, but eventually Just Walls was victorious.  In the final battle, however, the corporate mascot for Just Beavers – you guessed it – Justin Beaver placed a powerful curse on Just Walls.  The result of this curse was that for all of eternity Justin Beaver’s ghost would be heard singing in the new stores, stirring up the age-old desire in all who shopped there to buy some beavers.

After the war, when more than one thing could be ordered by a store, Just Walls changed its name to Walmart and began to forget about the whole bloody fiasco.

So you see, there is nothing wrong with you.  Just keep in mind when you feel these things that Walmart saved your great-grandparents.  Without them North America would be populated by droves of mindless voodoo beaver zombies.

Your History Professor,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

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