Tag Archives: motivation

Stanley Cup Win

Hockey Nut asks:Hockey cup

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

I love hockey.  In particular, I love my local hockey team, the Edmonton Oilers, but they are sucking a lot right now.  I want to do something to help them win, but I don’t know what to do!

What can I do as an avid fan to make sure they start winning?

Hockey Nut

Dear Nutcase,

Kidnap their wives and children.

You see, the reward system in hockey is broken, and that’s why your team continues to lose.  For decades professional hockey clubs have relied on awarding their players ridiculous amounts of money to motivate them, but as you can clearly see that system is not working.  Instead of motivating them, their enormous paycheques serve only to inflate their egos and make them feel like they’ve ‘arrived.’

However, logic dictates that if a human being feels like they are successful they will cease to strive to achieve their goals.  They become complacent, lazy, and a sense of entitlement pervades everything they do.  When they lose a game they blame it on the other players (who all feel the same way), on their coaching, or on the other team.

But no one works harder than someone who is about to lose everything.  You need to humble them, to make them remember how fragile their lives are, and how quickly it can all disappear if they don’t fight tooth-and-nail.

Gather a posse of your beer-swilling, riot-inducing hockey peers and break into their houses the night before a game.  Steal their families away in nylon-rope bound burlap sacks and take them in your practical SUV’s to a warehouse or a dungeon somewhere (but don’t tell me where that is because I do not wish to become an accessory to something like this again).  Leave a ransom note on their wives’ pillows.  The vaguer the better.  In fact, just write one word: ‘WIN.’

I guarantee your hockey-heroes will play the best game of their lives.  And the longer you keep it up, the better they will play.  Hold on to your hostages throughout the season and occasionally send the players pictures of them to prove that they are alive.  If they falter on the ice, send them a finger or a toe.  There should be enough toes to last an entire season.

You’ll have a Stanley Cup win in no time.

In no way affiliated with your actions to come,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.


No Ifs, Ands or Butts 2

Cordially Invited asks:peeping_tom

Dear Dr Cragglehold,
What are ifs & ands?
I’ve received an invitation that says “no ifs, ands, or butts.”
What am I supposed to wear?
Cordially invited.

Dear Cordialia,

I know what you’re trying to do here; by intentionally misspelling the word ‘but’ as ‘butt’ you’re baiting me into writing about your backside.  I’ll avoid speculating as to whether your motivation is simply an interest in harmless amusement or a hurtful attempt to portray me as a witless ass and simply state that, although I would quite enjoy describing the subtle curves and bounce of your caboose, such wordplay would be better served through a more poetic medium than this prose affords.

Let’s cut to the heart of the issue, shall we?

What the host of the event in question meant to say with their dimwitted old chestnut was that no excuses for your absence at their event will be tolerated, regardless of how valid said excuse may be.  Even if your leg was mauled to a pulp by a timber wolf and your blood is pulsing from your thigh in crimson jets but there’s no time to apply a tourniquet before the party you are expected to attend.  In fact, if you’ve just started to peak on a quadruple dose of some hallucinogenic like DMT and no one can convince you to stop stripping away your clothes and masturbating for strangers with a celery stalk sticking out of your butt you are still anxiously awaited at the soiree.  

If your car broke down and the only ride you can get is with the Eastern European gentleman that watches you change through his binoculars from the oak tree outside your bedroom window on the condition that he gets to rub your thigh on the ride there but you can’t tell anyone this time, you must still arrive on schedule.

So to answer your question, Cordiallia, you should wear nothing.  If the host complains – as they likely will – explain to them that if they have a problem with what you’re not wearing they can shut right up and suck your exposed butt.

Your Social Consultant,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.

Philanderous Philosophy

Tosui asks:

I have been watching your Philosophy’s on your blog.  I’ve seen people philosophizing and it seems to attract or capture people’s attention if even for a moment.  All of which is great and good and very interesting.

Is it worth while for the common average man to attempt to join in and do his own philosophizing in order to “join the club”, get attention from others and especially cute girls?

I mean it seams to work for you and other people of your calibre or echelon.  Would it work for some dude drinking beer after cutting down a tree making firewood?  Would he attract others and get laid more?  Do you get laid more?

Dear Tosui,

There is nothing wrong with a bit of philanderous philosophizing.  In fact, for those of us with crazy hair it is almost a necessary part of attracting others!  And yes, it is most certainly capable of assisting a drunken forester in his quest for love, just as it helps frat boys manipulate impressionable girls.  Case in point: Peabody often turns up at my door drunk and wearing nothing but an axe and a smile.

However, the impression I get from your question is that you would like to philosophize in a desperate attempt to attract attention.  To this end I would advise that there are far more reliable methods.

For example, you could prey upon the virtuous and attract attention by lighting your flame-proof jacket on fire in a crowded public place.  Or you could gain the focus of law-enforcement officers by strapping carrot sticks around your chest and walking through a subway station holding your cell phone like it’s a detonator.  Both will result in a great deal of conversation, which is a wonderful medium by which to get to know new people.

I have no idea if I get laid more.  I know Esquire Peabody does, but he spends far more time just having sex than he does thinking or talking.  Which I suppose may help answer your question.  You see, my motivation has always been to acquire scientific knowledge for the betterment of humankind.  So I spend my time digging into the deepest recesses of human experiences and relaying those experiences to you.  Esq. Peabody’s motivation has always been to appease the demons of perversion within his soul that stem from his respect for women {see: https://cragglehold.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/the-esquire-in-all-of-us/}.  And so he spends his time having sex.

So to answer your question, I suppose if you want to explore the extremities of human experience you should philosophize.  But if what you really want is to get laid more you should just try having more sex.

Philandering for Science,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.