Super-Powers

Sam asks:

Dear Dr. Cragglehold,

Would rolling around in nuclear/toxic waste really imbue the roller with a randomly generated super power?

Dear Sam,

Yes, but not necessarily at random.  It is a bit of a gamble, however, as ninety-eight percent of our sample did not survive the necessary dose.

Of the two percent that did most had acquired the often dreamed about power of “Invisibility, Flying, and Walking Through Walls,” although in each case the effect was temporary, ending when a “brilliant white light” seemed to demand that they move toward it or return to their former incarnation.

In Peabody’s case the light pursued him for several kilometres.  Interestingly, Peabody was able to lose it for a time by slipping into a brothel.  He reported being somewhat disappointed by the nature of the power, however, as it became impossible to interact physically with situations he encountered within the whore-house.  He summed up his experience with the phrase: “It’s not for everyone.”

When his powers had expired we discovered an added effect: the sludge had caused his DNA to mutate slightly!  A second penis began to grow above the first one.  Alarmed, I offered to remove it for Peabody but he cradled and protected it as if it were a native part of his body, exclaiming: “Now this is a freaking super-power!”

So you see, Sam, the comic books have not been lying to you.  Further, the low survival rate of our experiment illustrates the answer to a question you failed to ask: “If toxic waste imbues the roller with super-powers why doesn’t everybody give themselves super-powers?”

The answer to that question is: “Because there is only a two percent survival rate.”

With flagrant disregard for human life,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.