Population Control

Hard House asks:

Dr what’s with the male youth of today and wearing “skinny jeans”. They took the saying “getting into her pants” the wrong way, this must be fix.

Thanks
Hard House.

Dear Hard House,

While I certainly can sympathize with your disparaging critique of current male fashion, I must point out that the youth of today may not necessarily be to blame.  You see, the current young generation has had their testosterone obliterated by seemingly innocuous food additives, their minds enslaved and stunted by constant digital media bombardment, and their sense of fashion dictated to them by fashionistas residing in the pockets of the International Paramedics League.

The reason “skinny jeans” are in season, simply put, is population control.  You see, as humans we have removed ourselves from the process of ‘natural’ selection by means of health care, weapons, and information technology.  The weakest of us are no longer weeded out by predators, competition, or disease.  Therefore we have developed a commonly understood – but seldom acknowledged – process of ‘artificial’ selection.

Actually, the “skinny jeans” system is considered quite humane next to the flammable hair products of days gone by.  Skinny jeans inhibit the scrotum’s natural tendency to regulate the temperature of the testicles thereby rendering the wearer sterile, thus eliminating him from the ‘jean’ pool while allowing him to live out his life and chase his dream of becoming a whiny indie-rocker.

So next time you see some skinny douche-bag walking around in his skinny jeans, Hard House, just smile to yourself and remember: this must already be fix.

Your personal illuminati,
Dr. Cragglehold, Ph.D.